The Force is with Star Wars. Or maybe it isn't. It can be confusing at times. Don't get me wrong all you Jedi type folk (or Sith type folk, I don't want to make assumptions as I, myself, have a Darth Vader light saber, which comes in handy when the cats are on the kitchen counter and need convincing to get down...), I am an unabashed "Star Wars Geek." Oh yes, I am. I don't just own all the Star Wars movies, I own all the Star Wars movies. Okay, maybe not the Betamax versions (if there were any) or the laserdisk versions (if there were any) but yes, I have all the films in all of their incarnations in all of their formats. Yes, I know about the Stormtrooper hitting his head on the ceiling. Yes, I know Harrison Ford adlibbed the single best line of the entire series. Yes, I know that Mark Hamill found out that Vader was his father at the exact moment when James Earl Jones' voice told him the awful truth and that David Prowse didn't even know. So, I am a Geek. But there's something rotten in Tatooine. And you know it.
And I don't want to quibble over these things. If you are of the Star Wars ilk who have to argue about every single thing in the expanded Star Wars universe, like for example, whether a glass of Jedi Juice goes for five Republican credits or six because you read in some God forsaken Expanded Universe comic book that Asajj Ventris paid five for a glass on the planet of Goshthisisanudderdumname, well, this probably isn't the blog for you. Your blog is located down the hall, to the left of the Diaper Room. You can visit it when your room is clean.
What I want to more to more than quibble over is that something is happening, and Mr. Lucas don't know what it is...it's the ugly truth about Star Wars, the loop holes we dare not name, the inconsistencies we dare not point out, the rationalizations we make when we quote comic books in order to justify problems with the movies. I don't care how much you love Star Wars; You can't excuse Jar Jar. You just can't. I tried. Oh Lord in Heaven I tried. My nephews even tried to assuage my grief over this monumental miscalculation by telling me that as young kids, they thought Jar Jar was hilarious. But they're not kids anymore and you know what? They hate him too. Raise your hand and tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth: He was a systematic, deliberate, conniving attempt by Lucas to show off his company's skill with computers. Nothing more. Well, maybe he wanted to sell some more toys so he could buy the rest of the west coast. But that's it. And the voice! The voice! The voice! Complaints that it was offensive to people from the tropics was unfounded. It was offensive to anyone who can hear out of either ear. I don't need bigger explosions Mr. Lucas, I don't need extended scenes of Jabba Mr. Lucas, and I don't need you to keep changing the astral appearance of Anakin (though I would give my left arm to have a wise guy produce a bootleg version with Jake Lloyd in it though this would prove to be difficult as evidence shows that Jake was, in fact, not alive at the time of filming), no, what I need you to change is JAR JAR BINKS! His appearance, his voice, EVERYTHING. Has some truly gifted young Jedi already edited him out of their copies already? Can't we put Owen Wilson in there instead? "I'm soooooo happy tew see yew, me sooo bustin' with truly, proFOUND jooooooy." Much better I think. And Jar Jar isn't the only problem. Tomorrow we will address the small issue of having the same last name as the most famous Jedi knight in the galaxy and nobody catching on that, I dunno, you might be related...
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